Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
