Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
