If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
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