I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
