Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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