Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
