I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
