Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
