she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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