I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
