The maid of honor just puked.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
We talked him into tasing himself.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
