smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
