sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
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That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
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I have fence marks all over my body
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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