I wish my penis had an off switch
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
