There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
