The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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