Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
