I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
