This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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