Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
