someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
