i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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