Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
