i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
