Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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