I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
