Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
