just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Mom said you looked used
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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