dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
