I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
