How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
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It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
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I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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