alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
