I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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