there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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