Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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