Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
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I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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