Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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