I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize