one might say we're banned from that church
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
