Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
