I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
