dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i already hear my dad disowning me
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
