So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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