you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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