bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
