Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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