He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
