I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
