do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
