Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
