Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
