alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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