Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Sext me about skeletons
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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