While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
