Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
